I have had a lot of ups and downs this week. This seems to be a normal occurrence for me as of lately. Though yesterday was a pretty good day for me. I got to spend some quality time with two friends whom I hold dear to me. One of which I spoke with regarding sadism and masochism. We talked about what he considered “sadistic” in terms of play and what it meant for him. The conversation got me thinking today… What does pain mean to me?
I’ve thought about it in the past, but never really put it into words; then again I’m not sure putting it into words is actually possible. I’m going to attempt it though because I have found that writing out my thoughts and feelings really help me calculate how I want situations in my life to play out. Plus it helps in a therapeutic sense.
Pain… for me… is much more than a sensation. Though the sensation is quite nice, it’s how my body reacts to it. It’s also how I show I trust a person. If I give my body to a person as a canvas for their enjoyment of giving pain, I feel as if I am showing them that I trust that they will hurt me but not actually harm me. I am very selective of who I let touch me in this way as I show parts of myself with the person of my choosing that I would not normally show to anyone else. This becomes a bond I share with said person. A bond so unique that though I may share myself with someone else, it still won’t compare with my bond to another person of my choosing.
That being said, pain is like a sacred ritual for me. I feel a release when certain types of pain is inflicted upon my flesh and being. Specifically stingy pain. Sometimes it is a stress release. When I feel overwhelmed with emotional pain, compensating with physical pain helps balance that out. Particularly when it hurts so much that I’m brought to tears. In those moments barriers are broken and I’m actually able to feel something else. Relief, release, whatever you’d like to call it. All I know is that all the weight of the world has been diminished in that moment and what feels like weighted pressure on my chest is released and I can properly breathe again.
The trickiest part of all of this is having someone actually bring me to that point. I don’t necessarily try to be a challenge, but because this part of me is so sacred in my mind, it comes as no surprise that I am considered a challenge. In my short lived life, I have only had one person who was able to break this barrier and that was of course my Master.
Part of the reason I have been thinking about this is because I have found a friend whom I feel I can actually trust to break those barriers once again. I’m very curious to see how all of this plays out. Coincidentally (or not) it is the same person who got me thinking about all of this. Our conversation made me want to reflect upon myself.
Pain is a delicious turn on, but more than anything it is therapeutic. The floating feeling I get from a great pain scene is beyond compare. In the chaos of the awakened nerves I feel at peace with myself. There are always a rush of emotions and then for a moment… silence. I can hear clearly, see better than before, feel everything and nothing all at once. The flood of guilt and negativity subsides and I feel like I could rest forever. Through pain I am free.
It sounds so cliche, but I really have no proper words to explain it. It just feels right.