I’m only posting this here because I need to get this off my chest and I’m certain the one person who probably should be reading this won’t see it on here. I’m a fucking pussy, I know it.
Master has been well aware that there is another man I really like. So much so that Master has even asked if I felt like I loved him. I don’t, but I think I’m way too highly infatuated with this man and it’s starting to cause a negative effect on me. Lucky for me, Master is extremely understanding with knowing that I have a poly heart (Meaning I can have emotions and feelings for multiple people at the same time) and He knows all of my thoughts on this person… He has been supportive and loving and sometimes I doubt I deserve as much love and understanding as Master has shown me with all of this.
Alas, this is one of the many reasons I am marrying Him.
Anyway, moving on to the real point of this post.
Have you ever felt so strongly for a person it just fucking hurts? You know you’ll NEVER in a million years have a chance with that person, yet you still remain hopeful that one day something (somehow, some way) will change their minds?
Lets say you actually told this person how you felt about them? Maybe not to the fullest extent, but you did and they just seemed so… indifferent? A little heart breaking, no? Still… there you are…
This is the exact situation I’m in right now, and it has been plaguing me for weeks…. For a while, after I told him how I felt, I seemed to feel alright about myself. I finally got that off my chest and that is the end of it, right?
Big. Fat. NO.
It went away for a while and now here it is, anxiety in full tow and I could literally crumple up into a ball and cry. Like that is any new thing for me. *rolls eyes*
I’m not even sure what draws me to this man. I’m not really sure when it all started, all I know is I want these thoughts and emotions GONE. I want to turn them into something concrete so I can physically pick them up and throw them off the tallest building in the city I live in and watched them shatter into a million pieces.
Is it sad that I wish he would just hurt me in some form or fashion that I could just hate him? Stupidly enough, I feel those are my options at this point. Feel for him uncontrollably or hate him. Stupid…
STUPID
Sorry, this is my inner monologue going on here now.
There have been countless nights where I wish I could just grab him and kiss him, maybe it would feel like nothing. I would know and then it would be nothing. Also a fucking stupid thought. I have let my anxiety run my mind into a metaphorical ditch and yet he reassures me that all is fine. Is it? Maybe on his side, but not mine. Nothing is okay. STOP REASSURING ME!
Break me down. Tell me I’m ugly, or that I’m too fat. That I mean nothing to you. Please. I’m fucking begging you to just be mean to me here. I hate that I can’t help but feel for you. Even more so because its unrequited. I’ve cried so many times over you that it hurts so bad to admit it.
Give me some sort of wake up call. Make it mean and nasty so that way I can have a reason to be disgusted by you….
*Sigh*
And yet….
I truly don’t mean that…. Only because I don’t want to stop seeing you…. I love your laugh… your smile. Your messy hair. How deliciously sadistic your words are. I love that intelligent brain of yours too.
What is fucking wrong with me?
Why do I fucking feel like this about you?! You’e given me NOTHING but friendship… I just want to tell you to never hold me again, but I can’t… I love when you hold me in your arms. Even when it’s brief. Even though it literally means nothing to you….
This hurts…
You know what else hurts? That night I asked you to call me on the phone… I was crying.. and in a stern voice you just told me “Stop!” No one has ever talked to me like that while I was crying. Maybe you had a bad day at work…. But still it was insensitive and I was mad at you for it… I still kind of am, but yet… I still like you. When I know damn well I shouldn’t….