So it’s been a while. Crazy me has been filling up mine and Master’s schedule every weekend with something to do because I’m currently going through this phase where I don’t want to sit still for more than 5 seconds at a time.
Okay, let’s take that down a notch.
I hate being stagnant. I used to be one of those people who was okay with sitting on my computer for the majority of the day (and night) without having to do much of anything aside from going to the kitchen for food or using the bathroom. How I never ended up being more than 230 lbs at my highest weight, I’ll never know. Even then, that was pretty bad for me.
Ever since mid June of 2013, I’ve been on a “let’s get healthy!” kick. Which is something I’ve really needed to do. I’ve stopped eating fast food, I no longer drink soda beverages (well, I’m lying… I do have the occasional rum and coke, but it’s in a small glass, so let’s pretend it doesn’t count). I mainly did this because I absolutely hated the way I looked. I was overweight (still am, but not the point), I was starting to have a hard time going up and down flights of stair, and I noticed my asthma was getting to be just about as bad is it was when I was a kid and constantly running around. Except this time I wasn’t running my little legs off.
I ordered T25 and started doing the work outs. I’ve been eating a lot healthier, and despite my best efforts, have not lost that much weight. That’s mainly because I’m gaining muscle where I’m losing the fat, and have noticed that while my scale still says I haven’t changed, my clothes beg to differ. I’ve had to go shopping for smaller pants recently because my size 18’s are too big on me and slide off my hips at every given moment.
Body image… body image…
This has always been an issue for me. Even when I was skinny I was disgusted with my body. I had issues with myself mainly because of my upbringing. I would talk down to myself and say things like “You disgust me” or “you’re too fat”. Which fed into my anorexia phase when I was 13-15 years of age. I look back at those pictures of me when I was that age and think “I really was disgusting…” but not because I was fat. No. Because I had let myself believe I was so fat that I was sick and letting myself waste away. That’s probably why I have a hard time getting the weight off of me now.
This post is not to be depressing, though. So don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t give me pity. because here is where everything takes a turn for the better.
Master has always known that I have a poor self-esteem when it comes to my body. He has struggled with me on this for all of the 5 years and 3 months we’ve been together. He has been hurt that I would say such degrading things about myself. We’ve fought over it. We’ve cried together. Most importantly, we’ve began to break through the surface together to help me get on the mend and get rid of those negative thoughts.
A few months ago, Master and I had our final argument about this problem. He was possibly more stern than ever with me, and at the time I was hurt, but now I thank Him for it. Master ordered me to never talk ill of myself again. I was only allowed to compliment myself. Say things like “I’m beautiful” or “I look good today”. Anything remotely negative and I get “the look” as a forewarning. This has helped a lot. I’ve been getting better and better about giving myself positive reinforcement about my looks. Despite my body, and the fact that I’m not in the shape I wish to be, I’ve come to love myself just the way I am.
I have learned that while it’s healthy for me to want to become a healthier person (inside and out), it’s also healthy and vital for me to love every bit of my body in every phase it goes through. Which means loving my “fat” self and loving my “anorexic” self.
Now do not confuse this with me saying it is acceptable to be both, but the main reason people like me get in those places is because we do not respect our bodies. We either let them waste away or we just give up. In my case. I’ve done both.
I know this is a touchy subject, and while I’m not always well with words, I hope my readers can understand what I’m trying to convey tonight with this post. That you should love you for you. At least, that is what I’m trying to do for myself. I’m trying to love myself for what I am. For what I was. For what I will be int he future. I’m trying to love myself through every body type I happen to have in my life. Especially the one I’m currently in, because this is the one I’ve struggled with the most.
I wish to be healthy, but in order to do that, I need to think healthy, and live healthy. That all starts with the mind before it can work into the body.
To celebrate, Master and I went shopping a few weekends ago and I found a lingerie outfit that I absolutely couldn’t leave without. Please enjoy some of these photo’s.